Developing Self-Esteem & Praising Children (Jun 2006)

High Self-Esteem Makes friends with other children easily.
 Shows enthusiasm for new activities.
 Is cooperative and can usually follow reasonable rules.
 Largely responsible for control of own actions.
 Is creative, imaginative and has ideas of his own.
 Is happy, energetic; talks freely.
 Is independent, self-assured.
 Displays achievement consistent with ability.

Low Self-Esteem May be reluctant to enter new situations or try new activities.
 May easily become frustrated, angry or break out in tears.
 May withdraw or become overly aggressive to parents or other children.
 May do most things alone or cling to one friend.
 May be possessive of objects and make excessive demands on adult's time.
 Behavior does not suggest he is a happy child.
 May be reluctant to enter into activities that involve close personal contact.
 Regularly achieves at lower levels than "ability."

1. Be specific in your praise.
Have you ever gotten tired of saying "Great job," or "That's neat!"? After a while, these stock phrases become overused and don't convey our enthusiasm very well. It is much better to focus on a specific thing you appreciate about the child's performance. For example, you might say "You worked hard to get that assignment done," or "Your writing is very neat!" Not only will your comments sound more sincere, you will help the child better understand what you appreciate about his or her performance.

2. Focus on effort rather than the product.
Rather than wait until Mark cleans his whole room, comment on how well he is progressing. For example, you might say "Mark, your room looks so much better since you've started hanging up your clothes."

3. Match your verbal and non-verbal messages of praise.A quick "That's great, Ann" as you start putting the dishes away is not likely to be interpreted as praise by a child. Children are more likely to believe your praise if you give them your undivided attention.

4. Praise in private.This tells a child "I'm special" without embarrassing the child. It also avoids competition with other children.

5. Be careful of exaggerations.
"You're the fastest runner in the whole world" may be offered with pride. But it is unlikely to be true. Saying "You ran faster today than you did yesterday" is both truthful and helpful.

6. Avoid comparing children.
"Jenny got her chores done the fastest" suggests that only Jenny did a good job. Instead you might say "I'm glad you all got your chores done quickly."

7. Avoid combining praise and constructive criticism.
If you notice a child has not been careful in folding his clothes, ask him to do a similar task another time. Before starting the task, show him how to neatly fold clothes and put them away.

8. Encourage children to be the final judge of their work.
By helping children decide for themselves if they achieved their goals, you will encourage them to think for themselves. This will also avoid making them dependent on others for praise. Feeling good about yourself is important to children. By focusing on what children do right, and by paying attention to how we praise children, we are more likely to promote positive self-esteem.

By Patricia Tanner Nelson, Ed.D.
Human Development Specialist